What would it take and how long would it take to fill the Grand  Canyon to the rim?  It would probably take a miracle and the miracle would take forever.  I see the wound on my lower abdomen like the Grand Canyon.  I am going on day 23 of wearing the Wound VAC to help heal my wound and it is working but it SUCKS!

Carrying around a 3 pound machine on your shoulder every day and sleeping with it every night (not joking) is a huge thing.  A tube is attached to my stomach and to the machine and it conducts negative pressure therapy to my open wound. 

The negative pressure causes tissue granulation which is necessary for healing.  When my nurse came today to change the dressing I had to hold my breathe.  I had never felt any pain previously.  Today the tissue in my wound had almost become one with the dressing material.  NOT COOL.  I guess you gotta put up with the bad to get the good sometimes.  I will keep wearing my wound vac through chemo in hopes that this Grand Canyon on my body will heal from it’s foundation up and then the skin will close.  Seriously people a Wound VAC during summer?????  No pool time for me this summer.  In my backyard, that is unheard of. I hate it, hate it, hate it.

I need a miracle.

My crazy and adored husband sent me this picture today to remind me of exactly how he still sees me. 

This poor guy has really been tested this year.  Ever since I was diagnosed with breast cancer In February, he has taken on all responsibilities regarding the family and that is MAJOR in our house! 

We have 4 children ages 16, 10, 8 and 22 months.  That’s a lot to juggle at one time for a guy who just less than 4 years ago was a glorified bachelor for at least 10 years.  When he shockingly asked me to marry him just after us knowing each other for 3 days, he seriously  jumped in with both feet without looking how deep the water was.  Neither one of us could have ever anticipated that we would face cancer together.  We had already faced it briefly when he suddenly lost his mother to cancer in September 2007.  That was the closest I ever thought anyone in my family would experience this beast.  Now I am battling the beast and we are both surely being tested.  My crazy husband Jason and I will pass the test and we will win. 

A big THANK YOU to my crazy husband for reminding me who we used to be and that he still sees me that way.  It should be sometime in September that I return to my old self.  I will be able to go back to the job that I love and I will be strong to help run our crazy family once again.  

I learned a long time ago to stay strong through thick and thin.  Have a positive attitude most of the time, even when you are dealing with negative and deceiving people.  This is how you progress in life.  This is how you get further than those people ever will.    Yesterday I was at my weakest point ever.  I had never experienced the fear and despair that I felt yesterday.  I am so grateful to all of my readers and all of my friends.  Many reached out to me yesterday and for that I am so humbled.  Humility is the greatest thing.  Today is a different day. 

Even though I have a ton of support, there is one immediate family member of mine, who undeniably knows that I am going through chemo and chose to attempt to manipulate me and the current family situation over email.  She could not have known that I was at my weakest point because I have disowned her and extracted her from my life.  She just really picked the wrong day and the wrong sick bitch to mess with. 

I almost have to be grateful for this gutless individual who continues to attempt to manipulate everything to her favor.  She makes me look good even when I am at my lowest point.  It was as if this individual was taunting me into a reaction yesterday.  Anyone who knows me well knows that it is not a smart thing to taunt me.  I will take just so much and then I will react like a cobra.  She got hers and honestly I enjoyed the nasty person I turned into for 5 minutes while I wrote back to her.  I don’t let that person come out in me very often anymore if  I can help it.  Negativity is a bad thing and should only be used as a last resort. 

How is it that someone who has known you their entire life and knows that cancer is in the cards can continue to perpetually be the snake in the grass, all coiled up and just waiting to bite someone who is just passing by.  She knows who she is.  We all know who she is.  I doubt my nasty response yesterday meant anything to her as she has no soul. 

Why would I spend my time on my blog writing about this person?  Because I know that she secretly reads this blog and she probably has told her friends about it too.  Let her friends figure out just exactly who she is.  It won’t be too difficult.  Approximately 52 years old, brown hair and blue eyes.  She can put this blog entry in her wine glass and choke on it.

For me personally, the storm of yesterday is over.  I am still very weak on my feet and do not talk very much, however I do have a lot to say.  Chemo takes most people out to the point that they can’t walk or talk.  The mind does not stop thinking though and expression is a very healing thing.  I get through the crap of life by writing about it.  I am sure that some people will not think it appropriate sometimes what I write about and wonder why would I expose myself in such a way.  Ever since I was diagnosed with cancer in February this year I have exposed myself a lot.  People who really know me know that this is exactly who I am even when I am not going through cancer.  I am a very expressive individual who does not take kindly to people treating other people badly.   I will go after people for such bad behavior.  What can I say, I am a full blown ARIES and I am proud of it.  This is how I get through it all.  

Peace and Hair Grease!!!

This just may be one my most raw and self exposing posts yet.  Be prepared, I am not holding back.  If I am going to be honest about being one of the strongest people I know, then it is only fair that I call myself out when I am scared to death.  I have told people for years that I am not afraid of anything except two things.  #1 Drowning at sea and #2 Chemotherapy.  Well, this year I had to face one my worst fears, chemotherapy.  Let’s just hope that next year I don’t go on a boat trip and drown at sea!

I am scared out of my wits.  I have now had 4 sessions of chemo and I only have 2 more to go.  I should be happy.  I should be looking forward to the end.  Unfortunately, I cannot look forward to 5 minutes from now much less 8 weeks.  I am down to 131 pounds and barely able to stand on my own two feet.  I am being forced to eat, eat, eat!  3000 calories a day.  That is not easy.  Sounds ridiculous right?  Who would complain about eating?  I have been told to eat anything and everything I want.  “Eat all of the comfort foods you love”.  “Go out and eat 2 hot fudge sundaes”.  Problem is that I don’t want to eat anything because it all tastes like chemical from the chemo.

I spent the good portion of my life being severely overweight.  I graduated high school at 210 pounds.  By the time I was 25 I weighed a whopping 256 pounds.  At the age of 29 I made the conscious decision that I was going to take control of my weight for good.  I had a gastric bypass (stomach stapling) and it changed my life.  One year later at the age of 30 I weighed 138.  Best life changing decision I ever made.  I learned that I did not have issues with eating.  I was not an over-eater.  My problem was that I did not have any metabolism.  I have proudly kept my weight off for over 13 years now, even through 3 pregnancies.  Now I am weighing less than I ever have before and whooooopie, I owe it all to cancer and chemo?!?!?!?!?

I am so weak.  For me, it feels like death is just around the corner.  That is how I feel today.  It may not be how I feel tomorrow, the next day or even next week , but it is how I feel today.  I have always been known as the ball busting superwoman.  I was even that way as a child.  I feel that all of my physical and emotional strength has been stripped from me.   What is someone to do when they feel that they are in such despair?  The only thing I can do is roll with it and write about it.

Everyone who knows me tells me that it is all going to be over soon and to stay strong.  I know that they are trying to get me through this and are doing everything they can to lighten the mood.  But I am walking on the dark side like I never have before and it is scary.  I do not admit fear easily.  I am almost ashamed to admit fear because if I do, it will mean that fear has gotten the best of me.  I AM SCARED TO DEATH.  There I have said it.  I really am scared to death. 

I do not have a positive affirmation to end this blog entry with.  I usually try to end my blog entries with a message of hope.  I do not have hope right now.  All I have is fear.

Over and out.

This blog entry is dedicated to the older gentleman at COSTCO who made my day today.  I was leaving the warehouse and he saw me.  My bald head and the tube coming out of my waist are sheer signs that something is not right and he spoke to me.  Little did this man know how powerful his random act of kindness was. 

I could see that he was probably a caregiver, as he had an elderly man and a seeing eye dog with him.  With his acknowledgement and question he touched me.  “How you doing, you getting through it”?  My quick response was “Yep, getting through it day by day.  4 down and 2 to go.  Thank you so much”.  He has no idea that I was down in the dumps.  His small gesture was so grand that it brought tears to my eyes as I walked to my car.  He actually lifted me up.  I hope in some way he felt the power of his words.

Gotta love COSTCO.  It’s the only place you can purchase a casket, garage doors, electronics, clothes, great cheap pizza and you can also get pulled out of the hole that you have fallen into.

I hope he has a great day.  He made mine.

As I sit here at my 4th chemotherapy treatment, typing with one hand, I realize that I am more than 1/2 way done now.  So why don’t I feel a sense of accomplishment?  To me, accomplishment is so far in the distance and I cannot see the it.  Maybe I will see it on another day – or not?

WALKING ON THE DARK SIDE OF LIFE

I have been walking and living on the dark side for about a week now and I wonder when I will break free from the sadness.  I am hopeful that I may be able to pull myself out but for that to happen, all of the other drama surrounding me on a daily basis needs to stop.   As I have said in previous blog entries, when you get cancer, the world does not stop for you.  It just keeps on turning.  The sun still comes up in the morning and the moon still comes out at night.

The one thing that may be causing this walk on the dark side is my Wound VAC.  Everyday 24/7 this machine is on me.  I know for a fact that when the VAC is taken off of me either for changing the parts or being examined by my doctor, my mood changes and it gets better.  But the moment the VAC goes back on, my attitude turns dark and I am sad.  The VAC is especially important to the healing of the wound I have.  I should be really happy that I have this equipment, but I don’t like it.  I feel pain on my wound, which means that it is healing.  I personally can see the wound changing.  I can see the granulation of the tissue and I can see that it is healing from the inside, which is what we want.  Here are pictures of the wound as of today and also what the Wound VAC looks like when it is full and the canister needs to be emptied.  Not real fun stuff to look at but I use the pictures for affect and documentation purposes.  I am not sure what I am going to do with all of the pictures and the documentation.  Many people tell me to write a book about what happened to me after my bilateral mastectomy and what got me here.  I think I just might do that.  Writing is something I love to do. It has proven to be very therapeutic.                                

Thank you to all of my readers.  If you know of anyone who is dealing with breast cancer, please be so kind as to refer them to my blog.  I think it could possibly be helpful to them.

With the flick of her paintbrush and a lot of creative thinking, my friend Jamie Janett came to my home last week and did a very bold head painting that took away all of my bad feelings and made me happy.  My friends loved it.  Readers loved that I chose to do this and my Facebook friends enjoyed it too.  Jamie had never painted a breast cancer patient before.   We both realized that this could be something that could really take off for women who have breast cancer.  I mean, why not take full advantage of a bald head that you cannot control and have it painted beautiful and then photographed.  I thought it definitely was the best thing I could have ever done to help me through this time in my life.  Then the Cinderella effect hit me the next day.  The wound VAC was put back on me and it is uncomfortable and heavy.  The gorgeous paint that had brought such joy to me and my friends washed away the next morning and I was saddened when it was gone.  Probably just the same way Cinderella felt on her way home from the ball and she started to change back to her old ways and her stagecoach turned back into a pumpkin.

The mind works in very interesting ways.  My mind set changed immediately when the wound VAC was placed back on.  I have been trying to change or shake this dark world that I have been in for a couple of days.  It’s not working and I worry about not being perfectly clean and clear in my head before I start chemo again on Thursday.  

As much as I am frustrated by the Wound VAC, I do know that it is helping heal the wound in my abdomen and that is all I need to hear.  I really don’t want to go back under the knife for this procedure again.

The great news is that the artist loved doing this so much that she wants to do it again.  Maybe a little more on my head and a lot more on my back!  I would love that.  I am so glad I have the photographs.  I think maybe Jamie and I could start something with this.  Painting the bald heads of women going through chemotherapy and bringing a sense of happiness to them, if at least for only a little while. 

When life throws lemons at you, collect as many as you can, crush them and then make a big pitcher of  sweet lemonade.

When I was first told that I was going to have to go through extensive chemotherapy, it became very clear to me that I would lose all of my hair.  I decided then that I would have my head painted by a wonderful young artist I met three years ago, Jamie Janett.  Jamie specializes in face and body painting.  She does some of the best work that I have ever seen.  You can see samples of her work by searching for her two Facebook pages Jamie Janett and Paint On Your Face.  She also has a website www.paintonyourface.com.

The experience of having my head painted and photographed came just at the right time.  I am 2 weeks out of chemo and just now beginning to feel okay.  I have been on the “dark side” for a number of days now.  I think I slipped when I started wearing the Wound VAC.    This thing is a constant reminder that I have a gaping hole in my abdomen that is struggling to heal.  It is struggling because I am going through chemotherapy.  The little machine is effective but it is heavy to carry when you are fatigued and have minimal strength in your legs.  

I needed something to help lift me up and get into a positive frame of mind.  I try to live my life with positive energy.  What you put out into the universe will come back to you.  I save the negative energy for the ones who deserve it most.  Peace of mind is a good thing. 

Having my head painted and photographed was the best thing I could have done for myself.   I am someone who loves pictures with a story behind them.   The pictures that were taken yesterday mean a great deal to me.  I will cherish them and the memory of how amazed my friends were when they saw the artwork on my head.  They loved it so much that they, along with my husband, took me out to dinner and showed me off.  I got a few strange looks from people and even more smiles.  When I started to see all the work come together I got into a better mood and I am back on the other side now breathing a sigh of relief and smiling too.  It feels good to feel good.  I am finally feeling ok after my last round of chemo that was two weeks ago.  That’s scary.  From the point I got the chemo injected to just feeling better today, two weeks?  Ouch.

There is something really great about being a woman and walking around with a bald head.  I could not have imagined that I would have ever thought that but it is true.  It almost feels empowering.  I don’t generally see women sporting bald heads and I live in Los Angeles.  I think more women should try it.

Today’s blog topic is going to be about my family and how they are not everything to me.  This does not include my Mother, Husband, Children,  Aunts and Uncle or my Cousins.  

I never thought I would say something like that about my own blood but it is what it is… isn’t  it?  I am a realest and I do not live in fantasy land hoping and wishing that my family will come through during bad times when I know deep down in my heart that they won’t.  You can’t make people do the right thing.  They have to want to do the right thing in order to do it. 

I am the middle child between an older and younger sister.  All three of us are estranged from each other, which actually works out quite well. 

You see the three of us are cut from three different pieces of cloth.  The older one is cut from silk, the younger one is cut from cotton and I am cut from a combination of burlap and wool.  Each of us also have very strong personalities and opinions.  I have spent too many years getting angry at my sisters and nothing ever getting resolved properly when there are issues between us.  For this reason, I don’t deal with them.  The only time I do deal with them is when it has to do with my Mother and her best interest.

To protect the guilty, I will refer to my older sister as Tina and my former brother-in-law as Tim.  Here is a recent story from this past weekend about Tim and  Tina and how they just don’t do the right thing.  These people are in their 50′s for goodness sake!

Tina and Tim divorced and Tim moved in with my Mother 12 years ago.  Tim moved out of my mother’s home last Thursday.  We decided to bring a family friend in as a caregiver and we needed the room.  Back in 1999 my Mother had redone her extra bedroom to look like a small den.  She had a gorgeous white slipcover sleeper couch, an adorable club chair and ottomon and a desk in the room.  Tim has been sleeping on that sofa bed for 12 years now and it is ruined.  When he was moving out, the friend asked Tim if he could remove the sofa bed from the house.  Tim told our friend “Can’t, I have a bad knee”.  End of conversation.  REALLY????  What he does have is two son’s who are grown men and could remove the sofa bed just as easily as anyone else.  So why didn’t  Tim do the right thing?  Because he doesn’t want to.  It’s the same thing with the cabinet that has been off the hinges in the kitchen for years.  Tim is a contractor for goodness sake.  He can’t pick up a drill and spend 3 minutes fixing something in my mother’s house?  Seriously!

You might wonder why in the heck my former brother-in-law has been living with my Mother for the past 12 years.  Easy answer!  #1 Because my Mom always considered Tim as family.  #2 Because Tim is a schmuck and is a leech.  Everyone in our family and outside of our family sees that my Mother has been taken advantage of by a member of her immediate family.  This is just too much.   Tina, who was married to Tim for something like 17 years runs away from dealing with issues like this.  Spineless individual that she is.  It’s her ex, she should deal with it.

The final outcome is that the worthless individual is now out of my Mother’s house.  Our friend called a friend and had two guys come over and remove the sofa bed in 10 minutes.  Doing the right thing took 10 minutes.  Tim did not want to do it and neither of his grown ass son’s did either.  PATHETIC.  No wonder I don’t deal with my immediate family any more.

This is my outgoing message to Tina and Tim -

Blood may be thicker than water.  However, it is the water that we use to cleanse the blood from the gashing open wound.

If I had to describe how I am feeling today, this picture would say it all.  Yes folks, today has been a shitty day with cancer for me.  I must say that all in all, I have been a trooper through this breast cancer crap.  I do not mean any disrespect with these words, this is just how I am feeling today. 

ANGER is one letter away from DANGER!!!

My poor husband and kids have put up with my anger today and have taken it in stride.  Where did this anger come from you ask?  I believe that the core of it comes from the little mini machine that is connected to my body – that being the Wound VAC.  I understand that this thing works magic and it is going to help heal the scary open wound that I have but REALLY?????  I have done my very best to keep my head above water and walk the walk all with my head being bald, my gorgeous boob job being taken from me and a laundry list of recent health issues tied to cancer.  All along, I have been able to mask that I am sick.  This Wound VAC is heavy to carry and it screams – SOMEONE IS SICK.    A nurse is coming tonight to change the dressing.  WOW, what a way for both of us to kick off a Fourth of July weekend huh?

I am hoping that my attitude will get better by tomorrow.  I can’t see going through another day being as angry as I have been today.