The difficult part of chemo generally is the week following chemo.  I was hoping to coast through my 5th chemo session knowing that I had recently had a blood transfusion.  Boy was I off base. 

A week ago today I landed myself at the emergency room.  My husband took me in because I was having extreme difficulty breathing.  I was more like hyperventalating.  I could not believe what was happening.  I could not understand what was has happening. After numerous tests, chest xray and a CT scan I left with a diagnosis of bronchitis and possible severe anxiety attack.  Really?  All that fuss for a stupid case bronchitis and an anxiety attack.  Almost embarrassing.  

This had been an extremely difficult under water period for me.  Every day brought something different to me.  Some days were better than others.   I do know that even when you are sick and fighting for your life, that life in itself still moves forward without any regard to your illness.  This can be a hard thing to grasp sometimes.

I spoke with my Oncologist and he asked me if I felt strong enough to finish my last chemo session.  I told him that there is no choice.  I must finish.  I can’t go this far without finishing.  The doctor told me I was making the right decision.  “We are in this for the long haul and success”.  And that we are.

On a positive note, my Wound VAC has been removed!  Amazing how having the tether to the 3 pound machine off of me can give me a much better attitude.  I can move free now and I am so grateful.  My wound has healed from the bottom up.  Now it’s all about a huge open wound and it will be managed with Aquacel AG for any fluid.  Seriously, I never thought that I would be well versed in wounds, healing of wounds and caring for wounds.  I have learned so much during this entire ordeal.  

I have one week until my final chemo session.  I still am not at the point where I want to talk to people.  It takes too much energy.

Still feeling a little “under water” from my last chemo session last Thursday, I wanted to write on my blog.  Just because I am out of breath doesn’t mean I don’t have something say or to contribute to the universe. 

When I was very young, I must have been about 5 years old, I was complaining to my Father about something trivial and how it wasn’t fair.  My Father’s quick but contained response was ”Don’t ever think that life is fair Seana.  You will be disappointed if you do”.  I understood exactly what he meant back then and I understand it even more today.   

Life is not fair and don’t ever let anyone trick you into thinking that it is.  I could go on for pages and pages about this or that not being fair.  Let’s just cut to the chase – None of it is fair and that is why it is called LIFE.  As sad and harsh as that may sound, it is a real statement and it comes from a very real part of my soul and upbringing. 

I learned the term “pulling the plug” and the importance of it at the ripe age of 7 years old when I visited my father in the intensive care unit after his first triple bypass surgery at the age of 40.  Wow, 1976 may have been America’s 200th birthday but during that summer it felt like the end of time to me.   This was not fair, but it was educational and helped create who I am today.  It really wasn’t that the next year my grandfather would suddenly die while under anesthesia for knee surgery.  That too was a learning experience about medicine and blood clots.  I learned life’s lessons very young.  They are a part of my rock solid foundation and make me the realist that I am.

While cruising through the net today, I came across this and thought I would share.  Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. The following is a list he created for high school and college graduates of things he did not learn in school. In his book, he talks about how the “system” may have created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1:   Life is not fair; get used to it.

Rule 2:  The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3:   You will not make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice president with a car phone until you “earn” both.

Rule 4:   If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure.

Rule 5:   Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger-flipping; they called it opportunity.

Rule 6:   If you screw up, it’s not your parents’ fault so don’t whine about your mistakes. Learn from them.

Rule 7:   Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning your room, and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. So before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8:   Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades, they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.

Rule 9:   Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off, and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10:   Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11:   Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

The book again is Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why America’s children feel good about themselves but can’t read, write, or add.

It is up to all of us to teach our children how unfair this world can be sometimes.  This way they don’t get taken by surprise as adults.

This is how I am imagining myself this morning as I prepare to go to my 5th chemo session.  After this one I will have just 1 more chemo session left and that one will be 3 weeks from now.

As much as chemo is the thng that will ultimately save your life, it sure seems odd that it will almost kill you as well.  At least that is the way it feels when it finally settles in about 3 days after treatement.  I can look forward to Sunday when I should be just at the point where I don’t want to get out of bed and don’t want to talk. 

There are a lot of emotions that are rushing around inside of me.  Fear is the major one.  Fear that I could go through all of this and then potentially in coming years maybe have to deal with it again.  I keep hearing of people’s family members who are dealing with Cancer for the second time and are winning the battle.  How many times is one human being supposed to go through this?  Cancer is a scary thing for most people.  It has always been for me and now I am in the thick of battling it.  I will always remember that scene in the film Terms of Endearment when they were talking about “the cancer”.  I feel like the character Emma .  Life, kids, husband, and cancer.  Ultimately, she lost her battle.  I am not going to lost mine.  I can’t. 

Last Thursday I arrived at my oncologist’s office for my 5th chemo treatment.  I was so excited because I was going to leave that day knowing that I only had one more chemo session left.  Who wouldn’t be ecstatic about that???

I weighed in, set up my laptop, had my blood drawn for the CBC (complete blood count), got hooked up to an I-V and then had to be given some disappointing news.  My hemoglobin level was much too low for me to receive my 5th chemo treatment.  Instead, I needed to have a blood transfusion.  All of the air immediately came out of my balloon.  I was so upset.  The nurses and doctor were upset too.  I told the doctor that I felt fine.  He could not believe that I was as physically strong as I was.  He had trouble believing that I wasn’t completely out of breath.  I explained to them that my last chemo session had been very hard on me – to the point that I was actually frightened by my lack of strength, stamina and ability to breathe when I talked.  That was a week prior and now I was feeling great, or so I thought.   My Hemoglobin level was 7.  I was at a 9 at my last session.  9 is generally the cutoff point for not giving chemo.  There was no way I was getting mine.

For curious minds, here is why Hemoglobin is so important to all of us.  It made up of four protein molecules (globulin chains) that are connected together. The normal adult hemoglobin (Hbg) molecule contains 2 alpha-globulin chains and 2 beta-globulin chains. In fetuses and infants, there are only a few beta chains and the hemoglobin molecule is made up of 2 alpha chains and 2 gamma chains. As the infant grows, the gamma chains are gradually replaced by beta chains.

Each globulin chain contains an important central structure called the heme molecule. Embedded within the heme molecule is iron that transports the oxygen and carbon dioxide in our blood. The iron contained in hemoglobin is also responsible for the red color of blood.

Hemoglobin also plays an important role in maintaining the shape of the red blood cells. Abnormal hemoglobin structure can, therefore, disrupt the shape of red blood cells and impede its function and its flow through blood vessels.

My crazy husband and I made our way to the hospital the very next day so I could get two bags of O positive transfused into my veins.  This process takes approximately 2 1/2 hours per bag.  Thank goodness there is no pain involved with a blood transfusion (except for the initial I-V insertion).  I had hoped that I would have some sudden burst of energy.  Nope, it didn’t happen.  I am sure my blood levels will be better tomorrrow.  I am very excited about etting my 5th chemo treatment tomorrow.  It will mean that I just have to have 1 more and then I am free!!!  Of course I will still have to do the Herceptin maintenance over the next 9 months.  It is just a shot and that’s easy.  Just think, my hair can start growing back, I can return to work and my life can get back to normal.

I was thinking about it the other day, this year has blown by.  I am glad that it has gone quickly for me.  I cannot believe that we are already in August.  2011 will be a year that I will love to forget.  I will always remember it though.  I really have no choice but to remember it and take all I can from this horrific experience and help others through their journey. 

2011 - The good, the bad and the chemo.

• CREATIVE FORCE
• ENTHUSIASM
• CONFIDENCE
• COURAGE

I have struggled with a subject matter for my next blog entry for about a week now.  I am in between chemo sessions – the next one is this Thursday and my wound is slowly progressing.  I needed something new to write about.  It finally came to me after a few inspirational events that occured today.

I was fortunate enough to be introduced to a woman who is exactly one year ahead of me in her journey with breast cancer.  She is also a new mother and has a little girl.  We are the same age and are very strong.  Both of us possess the gift of wanting to inspire others who are going through or have been through breast cancer.  This brave fighter has created a monthly support group for mommys with cancer.  The  website is ww.mommyswithcancer.org  
In just a couple of hours I was able to ask a number of questions, gain information that I did not have before and feel a sense of calmness knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Oddly enough, a Los Angeles photographer is looking for mothers with young girls for a photo session to help benefit the Susan G. Koman For The Cure Foundation.  Sign us both up – we are in!

Another wonderful and touching event today was when an old friend and former co-worker sent me a message on Facebook.  The message read:  Hi Seana, I hope you are doing okay.  I thought about you yesterday when I was at my doctors appointment. During my visit I ran into a woman that was about to have her first chemo treatment she was very nervous about it and was alone. I sat with her for a couple hours until she feel asleep. I told her about Jamie Janett and the amazing piece she did on your head and she thought that was great and wants to do that once she has lost her hair. I wish you well and hope that your recovery is a fast one.

I was truly touched that this person, who I haven’t seen in over 10 years, still cares about me and felt inspired to help someone else with cancer based on knowledge that she had about my experience.  I cried sincere tears of joy and pride. 

I searched for inspirational pictures and came upon the Ace of Wands.  Today I was reminded again of what I have always known but lost a little sight of recently.  This is what it is all about.  There are people out there who are not as strong as I am and they are scared.  If I can take a little bit of the fear away, pass on some knowledge and dish out a TON of good will, then this experience with cancer will have all been worth it.  I get it.

Could I have gotten anything better than that today?  I don’t think so.

The Ace Of Wands represents

Using creative force; inventing a better way; expanding your potential; opening to greater possibilities; conceiving a dream; expressing yourself; stimulating your imagination; allowing a talent to unfold; coming up with a solution  

Showing enthusiasm; feeling fired up and eager; creating an aura of excitement; being ready to tackle the world; inspiring others; sustaining optimism; giving 110%

Having confidence; believing in yourself; feeling assured of your abilities; being sure of success; having high self-esteem; having faith in your path; knowing things will work out

Proceeding with courage; tackling a challenging task; going beyond your limits; being true to your beliefs; daring to take a stand; facing your fears; going for it